


I'll Be Looking at the Moon, But I'll Be Seeing You

by NervousAsexual



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s07e25 What You Leave Behind, Zhian'tara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 13:21:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21819802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: After What You Leave Behind, Kira tries to remain professional around Ezri. It's hard to be strictly business toward a person who holds all that's left of the one you loved.
Relationships: Ezri Dax & Kira Nerys, Jadzia Dax/Kira Nerys
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24
Collections: Star Trek Secret Santa 2019





	I'll Be Looking at the Moon, But I'll Be Seeing You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sophiegaladheon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophiegaladheon/gifts).

She always wonders what Ezri remembers.

It can't be everything, can it? What point would the zhian'tara serve if all the memories were right there for the taking?

At the same time it all seems painfully clear. Loving Jadzia was a light show, a parade, a celebration. She put herself all out there in a way she hadn't for anyone. The freedom she'd felt when she thought she was in love with Bariel exploded, just absolutely gone up in smoke, when she finally realized what Jadzia meant to her. Sometimes she forgets that's all gone now, and she'll find herself turning to Ezri to hug her or tell her something and realizing who she is hurts almost as much as losing Jadzia did.

She wants sometimes to tell Ezri she loves her. It's a knee-jerk thing, like wanting to break a folding chair over Dukat's head. It's a bad idea.

If she were able to offer advice Jadzia would tell her to talk to Ezri about it. She can almost hear her voice: "Come on, Nerys, you're the tactical genius here. She's a therapist, you need to debrief... You can put two and two together." But she doesn't want to add them. She knows Ezri will say something intelligent to her and she'll feel bad that she didn't think of it herself, and it'll be worse than it is now. How would that make her feel any better?

Part of her thinks this might be easier if the station weren't so painfully empty. There's no Odo. No Sisko. They would have advice. She'd probably ignore their advice, granted--it would probably be the same advice Jadzia would give--but she wouldn't feel so alone.

It gets harder all the time to work with Ezri. It's a small station and they can't just ignore one another, not in their positions.

One morning she sees Ezri in the replimat. She leaves. She goes to check on Quark--there is Ezri. She leaves. The promenade? Ezri. It's unreal.

"We have to stop meeting like this," Kira says, but Ezri just looks confused. "You were... Never mind."

"How have you been?" Ezri asks. "I've barely seen you since... I've barely seen you."

"Good. I'm doing good."

They stand one on each side of the stairs and look past one another. A tangle of Bajoran tourists push through.

"You've worked wonders on the station," Ezra says. "It must be very gratifying to see how much safer it is."

"And at how angry it makes the Cardassians." She should have kept her mouth shut. There's way too much for Ezri to read into in that statement, and it will only encourage her psychologizing.

But Ezri just smiles. "I can see where that would be vindicating."

"Right. Right." She used to have to stand on her toes to kiss Jadzia. But Ezri, she barely seems to come up to Kira's chin. Hugging her would be like hugging a child.

Not... Not that she wants to hug her or anything.

"So," she asks, pointing at Ezri's abdomen. "How's it going with the worm?"

Ugh. Really, Nerys? That's how you phrase it?

"Dax?" For the first time Ezri looks sad. Or is she worried? It's hard to tell, since she always looks nervous. "It's... certainly going."

She isn't excited, not the way Jadzia was about absolutely everything related to the symbiont. But that's because she isn't Jadzia, Kira reminds herself. She will never be Jadzia. She is her own trill and to treat her otherwise would be to massively disrespect her. "One day at a time, huh?"

"That is the Dax way, isn't it?"

Oh, prophets. It really was.

She wants to ask, how much of you is Jadzia? If you let her, could she come out and talk, the way Lela had? If it were possible that would be... She could say goodbye, or "I love you," or something, anything.

"Commander Kira?"

Ezri is looking at her with those big blue eyes that are so like Jadzia's and at the same time so different. What is she looking at? Kira touches her face--it's dry. She isn't crying. "Yes." She straightens her shoulders. "Sorry, did you say something?"

Ezri gives her a shy smile and shrugs.

"I'm always trying to think about lots of problems at the same time and then I'm way out there." Kira smiles at her. She doesn't really feel the smile (not like she did with Jadzia; those smiles lit her up from the inside out), but that's not Ezri's problem.

"That's understandable. You do have quite a lot on your plate."

She wants to ask if Jadzia can see her through her eyes. Even if she can't react to it, can she still look at Kira and remember how much she was loved? Does she know how much Kira misses her? Does she know she hasn't moved on, will not move on, isn't even sure she can move on. Does she know how close Kira's coming to falling apart?

"Kira?"

She doesn't.

Even if Jadzia was in there, it doesn't change the fact that she's dead. Ezri could have zhian'tara tomorrow and Jadzia will still be where Kira can never see her. What's left behind might sound like her, but it would be Jadzia trapped forever as she was the day she died. She wouldn't be able to experience new things, she wouldn't grow or change or learn, and isn't that the beauty of Jadzia? No matter what else happened she was always changing. 

The truth is, Jadzia is gone. She will never put her long gangly arms around Kira or blush all the way down her spots when Kira gives her a playful kiss or look at her with awe on her face like Kira is a mystery the prophets had hidden away.

Jadzia is dead and Kira is crying.

"Commander Kira?"

Ezri is looking at her with eyes that are blue like the sky over Bajor, nothing like Jadzia's blue-like-a-cornflower eyes.

"Commander," Ezri says softly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

No. As much as she loves Jadzia Kira can't put her burdens on Ezri.

"It's what I'm here for."

Prophets. Ezri is so kind and sweet--and adorable, but that's what Jadzia would say--and she deserves so much more than this. She shouldn't be here on a station where people look at her and see someone else. She shouldn't have to live with the comparisons to a woman she barely met. She's hurting too, Kira knows that.

"Maybe another time?" Ezri asks.

Kira wants to hug her, wants to ask those thousands of questions, wants to tell her that it's okay that Ezri is herself. Instead she gives her a little smile through the tears and nods. Maybe next time.


End file.
